Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Some days....

Sigh. So I felt really achy last night and I woke up today with a bit of a cough and a stuffy nose. This is on top of my gums being silly and an allergic reaction that will not go away. I was miserable. I was scheduled to see the nurse anyway - the blood tests say its a dust mite allergy. But that still begs the question of why the anti histamines aren't really working well. Could it be a form of eczema? Could it be a fungal infection? Who knows. Certainly not the nurse. She basically doomed me to a life of constant cleaning and asked me if I could take up the carpet in my bedroom and put down lino. I asked her for a hormone imbalance test and she said there isn't one and it wouldn't do much good. I came out of the office wanting to cry.

When I spoke to Jules about it she asked if it could be mental. I think it is getting worse with stress but I don't think that is the root cause. So my question to myself is, what is going on? What do I need?

Well, all of this is coming at the same time because I need to slow down and rest. Ok. When I feel into it I think the rash is because of an imbalance inside of me. So what have I learned? That it's easy for me to panic and want to give up....when all I really need is a hug and someone to listen to me. I also need to listen to me too. So yes, I'll go back to the doctor and I'll go to the dermatologist, but maybe while I'm waiting for that appointment I'll rest, give myself some space, go for some alternatives and see what they say. Most of all though I'll tune in more and see what my deeper, wise self has to say about it too and then act on that intuition. Because as much as I trust experts, this is an opportunity for me to trust myself too.

Monday, 25 January 2016

Liquid Lunch

M: I have a random question for you
Me: Hello! Fire away
M: Aw, it's fine, I know you're a busy lady
Me: No, not at all, I'm at home. Actually I have a ridiculously full bowl of soup on my lap
M: Ooooo. D will be jealous, whereas I will be disgusted I'm afraid
Me: Ah, are you not into soup?
M: Noooo, why have liquified food when you're not even an astronaut?
Me: I have secret astronaut aspirations, you caught me
M: Hahahahaha excellent. I hope that wasn't a joke. Tim Peake is making everyone reevaluate their life choices

Friday, 22 January 2016

Becoming Myself

But if I tell people what I need maybe they'll walk away. And if I open up and show them all of me it will hurt all the more when they walk away, or worse when they reject me. These are the stories that I tell myself. Because of this I show people some and keep the rest hidden, then if they go, I say 'it's ok, they didn't know the real me.' I feel this emotion in my heart, all this pain surfaces and aches, disappointment and sadness, rejection and abandonment. A tight ball of hurting energy.

But what is the greater truth here? If I reach out and ask people will help me. I do matter and my needs will be met. But people are not mind readers, I have to ask.

'Deep down there is a recognition that you, me, all of us in becoming ourselves, that by realising the possibility of who we are, that that is a world changing act.' I have always wanted to change the world but I never knew how. Now I know, be myself. In this day and age, that is world changing.

'You need a tribe of support around you. We need to gather our tribe to make the greatest difference with our gifts.' So here I am, grounding my energy into the earth, reaching out to those around me, to my deeper intuition and to life itself and developing the trust that life will catch me if I fall. Don't turn away, don't disconnect, look, see, pay attention, the sweetest moments are yet to come.

Monday, 11 January 2016

Goodbye, Starman

I woke up this morning to the sad news that David Bowie has died after an 18 month battle with cancer. Goodbye starman, your contribution to this world will be sorely missed.

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Tiny Wellies and Messy Hair

Sometimes I get this pain in my heart, I feel constrained somehow, my energy trying to break through. Recently I've been sitting with that feeling, trying not to push it away. It feels like 6 year old me, in white woollen tights and little wellies, her curly hair all dishevelled. This is a vulnerable part of me. How do you feel? I ask her. Scared, she says. I can see that you are scared, I say. She leans in for a hug. What do you need? I ask. Love, she replies, looking at me with big anxious eyes. I can see that you need love. I hug her and repeat this again. I can see that you need love.

When I feel all this in my heart, the adult part of me expands, I feel compassion for that small girl in the wellies with messy hair. I don't try to fix it, for now I'm just trying to sit with it, to listen to her. When I finish hugging her, I imagine light coming from my heart, expanding, big enough to wrap around that hurt energy of hers and make her feel heard. In this way I connect and integrate those parts of me that are stuck, that dictate my fears even now.

Some days, on those black dog days, that pain in my heart is all I can feel. I don't matter, I think. I won't get my needs met, I have to do all this alone, it's never going to work out for me. But other days I tap into a deeper truth, behind all the flotsam and jetsam of hurt, the truth that whispers Love is everything, you are finding people who love you how you are, you matter immensely, the world is beautiful. On those days, I pause to look at my life and I realise: I'm not alone now, people love me, Life will take care of me, I matter and I'm completely worthy of love. Those days the little girl inside me jumps in leaves and dances around in joy. Those are the days when my adult self becomes grounded in truth and my light shines brighter and further than before. Maybe every day could be a wellies and messy hair day.